Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Black puppy

I haven't been writing here much lately. To be quite honest, I haven't been reading much either. I just don't really have the mental energy for it.

My black dog seems to be back for a visit. I'm fighting really hard not to let it crush me. I'm not all the way down there yet. Today, I had a good day. I felt neutral during the evening. It's the best day I've had all month. It's not serious yet, I've been a lot worse in the past. I'm still working, I'm still sort of functioning, but it's there. Haunting me. I can't remember if I was fully depressed as a teen. I don't think I was. Regardless; if this thing follows through, it's my second depression if I don't count the BC pill-induced one I went through in 2009, the third if I do. I get agitated-depressed, so basically I remain more or less functional for a long time.

I'm not keen about the idea of anti-depressants, and I'm not entirely sure how to go from here; but I'm fighting.

Yes, I'm also on a new BC pill. But actually, this time I don't blame it. See; I was going down BEFORE I started the pill, and actually, I'm calmer when taking it than I was in the pill-free week. And I have a good enough explanation for what's happening, the pill-induced depression just seemed to happen out of the blue and lifted within 3 weeks after switching to another pill.

Yes, I know doctors and mental health issues are taboo. I also know that I'm not alone. Depression is a common ail amongst physicians. In fact, doctors commit suicide relatively more often than most other professions. (Ironically, female psychiatrists are most likely to take their own lives!). I know 2 GP's who went through depression.

And I'm fighting.


  1. Keep fighting.
    Thanks for sharing and being open, it is not a easy thing to do. Many of us have gone through it and understand.
    Also, first time I've heard the term black dog.

  2. It sucks that we as providers aren't "allowed" to be sick. I know how you feel. I fought the black dog my third year of medical school and did really well on 20 of prozac and more exercise (running!). I came off the prozac a year ago and feel great.
    Hang in there. You're not alone.

  3. Sorry that you're going through a rough time. It's good that you're talking about it though - there's far too much stigma associated with mental illness, especially given how common it is. I went through a really bad depression at the beginning of my first year of medical school, and I was very thankful for some good counseling and good drugs that pulled me through. I hope you can find what works for you.

  4. I am sorry. Keep fighting! Praying that this rough patch passes soon.