Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Black puppy



I haven't been writing here much lately. To be quite honest, I haven't been reading much either. I just don't really have the mental energy for it.

My black dog seems to be back for a visit. I'm fighting really hard not to let it crush me. I'm not all the way down there yet. Today, I had a good day. I felt neutral during the evening. It's the best day I've had all month. It's not serious yet, I've been a lot worse in the past. I'm still working, I'm still sort of functioning, but it's there. Haunting me. I can't remember if I was fully depressed as a teen. I don't think I was. Regardless; if this thing follows through, it's my second depression if I don't count the BC pill-induced one I went through in 2009, the third if I do. I get agitated-depressed, so basically I remain more or less functional for a long time.

I'm not keen about the idea of anti-depressants, and I'm not entirely sure how to go from here; but I'm fighting.

Yes, I'm also on a new BC pill. But actually, this time I don't blame it. See; I was going down BEFORE I started the pill, and actually, I'm calmer when taking it than I was in the pill-free week. And I have a good enough explanation for what's happening, the pill-induced depression just seemed to happen out of the blue and lifted within 3 weeks after switching to another pill.

Yes, I know doctors and mental health issues are taboo. I also know that I'm not alone. Depression is a common ail amongst physicians. In fact, doctors commit suicide relatively more often than most other professions. (Ironically, female psychiatrists are most likely to take their own lives!). I know 2 GP's who went through depression.

And I'm fighting.

4 comments:

  1. Keep fighting.
    Thanks for sharing and being open, it is not a easy thing to do. Many of us have gone through it and understand.
    Also, first time I've heard the term black dog.

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  2. It sucks that we as providers aren't "allowed" to be sick. I know how you feel. I fought the black dog my third year of medical school and did really well on 20 of prozac and more exercise (running!). I came off the prozac a year ago and feel great.
    Hang in there. You're not alone.

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  3. Sorry that you're going through a rough time. It's good that you're talking about it though - there's far too much stigma associated with mental illness, especially given how common it is. I went through a really bad depression at the beginning of my first year of medical school, and I was very thankful for some good counseling and good drugs that pulled me through. I hope you can find what works for you.

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  4. I am sorry. Keep fighting! Praying that this rough patch passes soon.

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