Sunday, 25 September 2011

my IT band, continued

Since I'm on recovery time for other matters, I decided that I had time to visit a physio. Half a year onwards, and I still can't run properly.

His verdict: Yes, it probably was ruptured, yes, you probably were a bit stupid for not seeking help (but come on, everybody was looking at me as if I were whining), and now there probably are some adhesions causing my problems. He'll try to fix that.

And I got some pretty Kinesio tape, criss cross over my thigh.

My homework was to run 15mins and see what it does. So I did that today, and the lateral side of my right thigh feels oddly exhausted. Not painful, just nagging.


I tried so hard to prevent this from happening. But it did. I had to call in sick from work, because you can't do much doctoring if you're barely capable of getting out of bed and have the attention span and memory of a goldfish.
I do actually feel like a goldfish.

I'm considering taking meds again. Considering my past history. Considering the fact that all my brilliant 'relapse prevention stuff' failed me, and I went down whilst trying my hardest.

But then again. I'm feeling ever so slighlty better after a week and a half at home. Maybe it's simply because I sometimes manage to sleep. But my current level of functioning is nowhere near what I need.
And then there's the relapse risk, which is statistically 90%.

Everything I do is a fight. Getting out of bed is a fight. Getting to sleep is a fight. Eating is a fight.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Black puppy

I haven't been writing here much lately. To be quite honest, I haven't been reading much either. I just don't really have the mental energy for it.

My black dog seems to be back for a visit. I'm fighting really hard not to let it crush me. I'm not all the way down there yet. Today, I had a good day. I felt neutral during the evening. It's the best day I've had all month. It's not serious yet, I've been a lot worse in the past. I'm still working, I'm still sort of functioning, but it's there. Haunting me. I can't remember if I was fully depressed as a teen. I don't think I was. Regardless; if this thing follows through, it's my second depression if I don't count the BC pill-induced one I went through in 2009, the third if I do. I get agitated-depressed, so basically I remain more or less functional for a long time.

I'm not keen about the idea of anti-depressants, and I'm not entirely sure how to go from here; but I'm fighting.

Yes, I'm also on a new BC pill. But actually, this time I don't blame it. See; I was going down BEFORE I started the pill, and actually, I'm calmer when taking it than I was in the pill-free week. And I have a good enough explanation for what's happening, the pill-induced depression just seemed to happen out of the blue and lifted within 3 weeks after switching to another pill.

Yes, I know doctors and mental health issues are taboo. I also know that I'm not alone. Depression is a common ail amongst physicians. In fact, doctors commit suicide relatively more often than most other professions. (Ironically, female psychiatrists are most likely to take their own lives!). I know 2 GP's who went through depression.

And I'm fighting.