Sunday, 5 June 2011

I quit running. Or let's make it an intermezzo.

It's not a conscious decision, it's not a permanent thing either. I have just completely lost my motivation to run. The reason? I'm not getting anywhere. I am getting extremely frustrated. I can't face another 5k lap which I can't even fully run. Ever since my IT-band drama (which also is my most-read post on here) I've been slowly, extremely slowly, increasing my running, every time I went a bit faster or ran a bit further, a dull ache in my right thigh reminded me to go slower. I haven't even finished a 10K run ever (the injury happened at 9.5k in the build-up to the 10k race). I'm not getting what I wanted out of running.

Apparently I don't have a body that takes too well to sudden increases in work-out load. Or maybe my body was in worse shape than I thought, years after the anorexia still... because come to think about it, prior to getting really thin I went through years of compulsive exercise. Looking at my body now, I wouldn't know where I lost those extra 10kg from, but well, it had to be muscle mass. I'm a doctor, and I want to understand what is happening now.

I never went up to the amount of exercise I did as a teen. (I had a resting heart rate of 54 at age 15, and I was about the strongest girl in my class). This winter, I still did not come close, but it's the most I've done since the anorexia. There probably was more strain on my muscles and joints than I thought, because I did not take that into consideration. I think my body just couldn't handle it, it was still too weak, and it was probably leaning towards overuse. Combine fatigued muscles, joints and ligaments with the way I cooled down on that fatal day, and the IT band just sort of tore. There is no other way I can explain the lumps on the thinnest part of the band.

In case you were wondering, such an injury takes long to recover.

And now, in prime running season, I've lost all motivation. I haven't run in a week. I can't make myself. I hate how slow I am, I hate how I can't run 5k in one go, I can't bear to face the same laps again and partly, the solitude is too much for me right now. And maybe, at this point in time and place, I was once again asking too much of a still weakened body.

So, I quit.

Here's the most interesting part: I don't quit. Not for good. Never for good. I'm just taking a break. I've been looking at gyms and I've been doing my Pilates (and I'm getting better at it, I'm ready for a new challenge) and actually, right now, my goal is where it should be: I need to get stronger first. I need to not be running ahead of myself; and if I want to be doing the things I want to be doing, I need to get physically stronger. I need to be doing something that does not require level 4 sports bras, as the sports bra level reflects the impact on the rest of your body too. And meanwhile, when the weather is good and so forth, I will sneak in a little jog and dream of long runs.

I'll call it Project Fitness. Maybe this is the last hurdle in my recovery, maybe it isn't. Maybe the last hurdle would be finding and keeping myself a man.


  1. Your right it is not quiting, just a needed break and probably mentally and physically at that.

  2. It's a good thing you're listening to your body. 54 as a resting heart rate is reaaaaly low. But I have the experience it varies from person to person. My boyfriend (who hardly exercises) has a HR of 60 in rest, his sisters boyfriend something like that too (and only thing he does is eating fast-food and sitting on the couch). And mine is something around 74-80 and as of now I run 4-5 times a week. Do you know what is yours now?

    I'm always afraid that if I exercise too much, I will get bulky. I know it's probably an irrelevant fear for girls but what is your experience? (And how much DID you work out? .. ). I really want to do weightloss healthy right now, but somehow I just can't. I am tempted to overeat and just eat not enough day by day. I can't find a routine ):

    Ahw.. I'm sorry for only nagging here. I hope you're "new" job is going well. I think you're able to do great things! But for now;

    Get well. :)


    Lots of love!